The Problem with Intimacy....

Chatting with EJ, we arrived at the discovery that so many of us, instead of being more secure when in a relationship, feel insecure and neurotic (yes, I know, WTF??!!). Relationships are complicated to begin with; add to these our own neuroses, issues and past hurts, and well…….you know the rest.

It occurred to me that so many are afraid of intimacy not because it entails the acceptance of someone else’s issues, but primarily because at some level, you have to deal with your own insecurities and inadequacies. And that is no small feat.

Intimacy…into me, I see.

Now you know why it’s so hard. To be in an honest, healthy relationship, you have to not only recognize, but also accept and address your own issues, needs and…well, your self. You have to be able to admit these not only to yourself but then also expose them to your partner. True intimacy means really giving all of yourself to another…..no matter what you have to give.

And if you’re lucky, s/he will be someone who will accept what you’re giving, help make the good even better, and make the bad ok, if not good.

New Rule: into me, I see.

- SR

On Heath

Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday in a Soho apartment. I am sure we have all heard this news. And I am not sure why I feel compelled to write about it, since there really is no "new rule" I can think of to relate to this situation - other than, to be callous and sarcastic, don't OD on sleeping meds....

But in all honesty, this kind of loss is such a slap of reality for my generation. He was 28 years old. I am not that much older. He had already lived such an incredibly full existence, and showed so much promise for many more years to come of career success. I would like to think (hope!) the same of myself. He had a little girl, a family. OK, no kids here but of course I have a family and a really great circle of friends.

Should this kind of tragedy remind us that life is fragile, short, precious? That we should live each day to its fullest and never take anything or anyone in our lives for granted? What if we already try to live this way? What if Heath Ledger too lived this way? He certainly seemed to, from the little the public knew of him. And I really doubt that him living such a full and promising life makes his death any easier for those who loved him, those he left behind - it probably makes it even harder to accept.

So what is the point, really, of such a tragic end to an otherwise promising life? Is there a lesson to be learned? If there is, someone please tell me. I have yet to understand why such things happen.

New Rule: I need to get back to work and stop obsessing about this...

--EJ

Seriously Deserved

Today I was replying to an email from the man with whom I am currently involved, in which he wrote (leaving out irrelevant context) the following phrase:

"Behind every great man..."

I intended to reply in my typically sarcastic manner:

"Is a seriously disturbed woman"

But my fingers, unbeknownst to me, instead made the decision to type the following:

"Is a seriously deserved woman"

Deserved. Wow. This stopped me in my tracks and really forced me to think. Why have I been berating and belittling myself so incessantly lately? Why do I insist on criticizing myself? Why the self-loathing, the complete lack of faith in myself, the total lack of confidence? What happened to the girl who once believed she was utterly unstoppable, could conquer the world with her endless optimism and positive energy? When did she become an old, cranky, pessimistic, depressed, depressive, and depressing bore, eager to squash the life thriving inside of her?

Unsure if he would understand the true nature of what I had written - and always the control freak - I quickly deleted the phrase that my fingers chose for me, and in their place wrote in response:

"Is a seriously fabulous woman"

And I meant these words. I believe these words. I believe in myself. That unstoppable, fearless girl is still inside. It's up to me and ONLY me to keep her alive and breathing.

New rule: Think positive. Write positive. Express positive. Exude positive. BE POSITIVE, and have faith in yourself and confidence in your own abilities. Because after all, if you don't, how can you expect anyone else to?

- EJ

Choices.....

Choices….

I’ve often thought about what I could change about my past, and my life. The truth is, if I had the ability to change even one thing, I don't know if I would change anything. I am unsure of where my life would have gone if I changed something. Even one change would have led me to a very different life, and the reality is that I am happy in my life. I have been through some very difficult times, but the end result is that no matter which way you slice it, I am happy.

New Rule: Be grateful for the life that you do have; you don’t know what the alternative could have brought you.

-SR

Trust your Gut…..

How many times have you said, “I KNEW that was going to happen!!” or “I KNEW I should have….”. I hear this all the time from people everywhere. The other night I was watching some random news show and this woman was saying, “I knew the moment I walked through the door that something was not right but I…”. In this case, the woman barely survived an attack. Had she followed her first instinct, she would have walked away without a scratch.

So why is it that time and again we refuse to trust our gut and ourselves? Why do we refuse to believe that science doesn’t have all the answers, and that sometimes, our bodies and our instincts know more than our mind does?

New Rule: Trust your gut; it’s usually spot on.

- SR

No Time is Wasted…..

So many times, we feel that we’re wasting time while trying to figure out a next step. We feel that we should intuitively know what the next step is. However, I have found that most times, this waiting period is extremely beneficial in that it often illuminates a direction not to take. One of the previous rules basically said that when the time is right, decisions usually make themselves. Further to that, I think while we’re waiting, trying to figure out what our next step should be, we see some avenues not to take. And knowing where not to go is just as important as knowing where to go.

New Rule: Time spent that illuminates or helps figure out a path not to take is time well spent.

- SR

Difficult Questions to Ask and Answer…

One of the most painful decisions I’ve ever made in my life so far was the decision to stop fighting for my dad’s life. But when the time to make this decision came, it was one of the simplest decisions I have ever made. Simple yet painful. Simple because I knew exactly what my father’s wishes were, and I knew, without a doubt, that my job was to carry those wishes out. Painful because I knew the implications of that decision.

When papa started taking a turn for the worse, I had to decide whether his chart should read DNR and/or DNI (Do not resuscitate/intubate). This was something we had discussed way before we had any inkling that cancer was lurking. Papa had always told me: It’s a numbers game: if there is a 60% chance that I will not ‘come out of it or be normal again”, then let me go; if there is a 60% chance that I will be fine, then fight for me; if it’s 50/50, then think as clearly and unemotionally as possible”. Further, he had always told us that he wanted any and all usable organs donated. And because he was enrolled in a clinical study for prostate cancer, he also specified that he wanted his body donated so that they could study the effects of the drugs.

I have had a similar conversation with my mother so that we each know, without a doubt, what the other’s wishes are. Do your loved ones know your wishes? Do you know theirs? Believe me, the day will come when you will need to make difficult decisions…..the time to prepare for them is now.

New Rule: Ask and Answer difficult questions. Now, while you have the physical and emotional capacity to do so.

- SR