Seriously Deserved

Today I was replying to an email from the man with whom I am currently involved, in which he wrote (leaving out irrelevant context) the following phrase:

"Behind every great man..."

I intended to reply in my typically sarcastic manner:

"Is a seriously disturbed woman"

But my fingers, unbeknownst to me, instead made the decision to type the following:

"Is a seriously deserved woman"

Deserved. Wow. This stopped me in my tracks and really forced me to think. Why have I been berating and belittling myself so incessantly lately? Why do I insist on criticizing myself? Why the self-loathing, the complete lack of faith in myself, the total lack of confidence? What happened to the girl who once believed she was utterly unstoppable, could conquer the world with her endless optimism and positive energy? When did she become an old, cranky, pessimistic, depressed, depressive, and depressing bore, eager to squash the life thriving inside of her?

Unsure if he would understand the true nature of what I had written - and always the control freak - I quickly deleted the phrase that my fingers chose for me, and in their place wrote in response:

"Is a seriously fabulous woman"

And I meant these words. I believe these words. I believe in myself. That unstoppable, fearless girl is still inside. It's up to me and ONLY me to keep her alive and breathing.

New rule: Think positive. Write positive. Express positive. Exude positive. BE POSITIVE, and have faith in yourself and confidence in your own abilities. Because after all, if you don't, how can you expect anyone else to?

- EJ

Choices.....

Choices….

I’ve often thought about what I could change about my past, and my life. The truth is, if I had the ability to change even one thing, I don't know if I would change anything. I am unsure of where my life would have gone if I changed something. Even one change would have led me to a very different life, and the reality is that I am happy in my life. I have been through some very difficult times, but the end result is that no matter which way you slice it, I am happy.

New Rule: Be grateful for the life that you do have; you don’t know what the alternative could have brought you.

-SR

Trust your Gut…..

How many times have you said, “I KNEW that was going to happen!!” or “I KNEW I should have….”. I hear this all the time from people everywhere. The other night I was watching some random news show and this woman was saying, “I knew the moment I walked through the door that something was not right but I…”. In this case, the woman barely survived an attack. Had she followed her first instinct, she would have walked away without a scratch.

So why is it that time and again we refuse to trust our gut and ourselves? Why do we refuse to believe that science doesn’t have all the answers, and that sometimes, our bodies and our instincts know more than our mind does?

New Rule: Trust your gut; it’s usually spot on.

- SR

No Time is Wasted…..

So many times, we feel that we’re wasting time while trying to figure out a next step. We feel that we should intuitively know what the next step is. However, I have found that most times, this waiting period is extremely beneficial in that it often illuminates a direction not to take. One of the previous rules basically said that when the time is right, decisions usually make themselves. Further to that, I think while we’re waiting, trying to figure out what our next step should be, we see some avenues not to take. And knowing where not to go is just as important as knowing where to go.

New Rule: Time spent that illuminates or helps figure out a path not to take is time well spent.

- SR

Difficult Questions to Ask and Answer…

One of the most painful decisions I’ve ever made in my life so far was the decision to stop fighting for my dad’s life. But when the time to make this decision came, it was one of the simplest decisions I have ever made. Simple yet painful. Simple because I knew exactly what my father’s wishes were, and I knew, without a doubt, that my job was to carry those wishes out. Painful because I knew the implications of that decision.

When papa started taking a turn for the worse, I had to decide whether his chart should read DNR and/or DNI (Do not resuscitate/intubate). This was something we had discussed way before we had any inkling that cancer was lurking. Papa had always told me: It’s a numbers game: if there is a 60% chance that I will not ‘come out of it or be normal again”, then let me go; if there is a 60% chance that I will be fine, then fight for me; if it’s 50/50, then think as clearly and unemotionally as possible”. Further, he had always told us that he wanted any and all usable organs donated. And because he was enrolled in a clinical study for prostate cancer, he also specified that he wanted his body donated so that they could study the effects of the drugs.

I have had a similar conversation with my mother so that we each know, without a doubt, what the other’s wishes are. Do your loved ones know your wishes? Do you know theirs? Believe me, the day will come when you will need to make difficult decisions…..the time to prepare for them is now.

New Rule: Ask and Answer difficult questions. Now, while you have the physical and emotional capacity to do so.

- SR

What is Love???

How do you define Love?

I have often thought about this one, and I always come back to something I’d read about 10 years ago:

"...if I answered that real devotion consists of being willing to lie, cheat and fake in order to make another person happy - to create for him the reality he wants, if he doesn't like the one that exists...It's really very simple. If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It's no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. But if you tell an ugly woman that she is beautiful, you offer to her the great homage of corrupting the concept of beauty. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She's earned it, it's a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake - and that is a real tribute of love because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self esteem..." - Ayn Rand

New Rule: Figure out what your definition of ‘Love’ is.

- SR

Journeys and Destinations…

So many of us have been raised with the implicit understanding that marriage is a ‘natural’ part of life. This notion isn’t drilled into only women; so many men have this same view of the world. You go to college, then you go to grad school, then you get married and then you have kids. Although I have noted men and women alike sharing this same view, for women in particular, marriage seems to be a destination of sorts: a milestone you need to reach by a certain age. Perhaps it has to do with our ‘limited fertility’ that brings with it a feeling that if you are not married by a certain age, then you will not be able to have kids, and therefore the whole notion of the ‘normal’ course of life will be disturbed with no hope for redemption.

But I see life in a different way. For me, marriage is not some sort of destination to arrive at; rather it is a journey meant to be taken with someone whose company and mind you truly enjoy. Perhaps it is because I have already reached this ‘destination’ once in my life, and after having done so, I ran the other way. But seriously, isn’t the whole point of marriage…the goal, so to speak….to find someone who truly ‘gets’ you and whom you want to share your life with?

New Rule: Relationships and Marriage are not destinations to arrive at; rather they are journeys to be taken with someone you truly want to be with.

- SR

MAS!!!

EJ’s previous post has inspired this one. She and I met a few years back on the couch of someone we both have sort of lost track of. The first words I spoke to her were along the lines of “I love your hair….what products do you use???”!!!

Over the years, she has been someone I have been able to confide in without fear of being judged. She has been my champion, one of my biggest supporters and my therapist. Somewhere along the way, MAS was formed…the Mutual Admiration Society. And I realized: we all need a friend who offers unconditional love and advice; someone who will lift you up when life…and sometimes you yourself…. beats you down.

New Rule: Start your own MAS with someone whom you love, admire and respects…and who does the same for you.

- SR

Give Credit

I failed to mention yesterday, it was SR who provided me with unconditional emotional support as I cried following the blood-drawing-freakout, as well as the wisdom and courage to see that this was a necessary step to taking care of myself as I get older. SR inspired yesterday's post and the realization that I now must be a responsible adult. SR - with her love, caring and friendship - gives me life.

New Rule: Give credit where credit is due, especially when it is deserving of a very special friend.

-EJ

Give Life! Give Blood!

...Thus read the ridiculously oversized banner that welcomed me to work on Friday. Taunting me, tormenting me in all its loudness and irony. Because in the past five months I have had my blood drawn three times - twice in the last week. And each time, I totally panic, cry hysterically and come close to fainting. I am not just needle-phobic, but also deathly and uncontrollably horrified by the sight of my own veins in my arms. I can barely glance at my wrists without feeling queasy - something I have struggled with and been teased about by a tormenting family my entire life. And until recently something I have been able to pretty much ignore and not worry about, having given blood a total of maybe three times
since toddler-hood.

But now I am 33, which in some parts of the world is considered old. Medically speaking, it certainly isn't young. My insurance steadily rises every year for a reason. I am a potential health hazard. My body is shifting and changing inside, and now the only way to know what's really happening on the inside is to give a little blood. And I just have to deal with it.

I eat healthy, exercise daily and practice yoga religiously. These are things I can control and commit to but clearly they aren't enbough, because lately I have been getting sick an awful lot. I need to start taking care of myself in every way. That's what responsible adults do, right?

New rule: Accept that growing up means becoming responsible for your health, mind body and soul... from the inside out. You can eat healthy and exercise all you want, but unless you check yourself on the inside now and then, you will never be 100% in control of your health. So give a little blood now and then. And give YOURSELF a life.

- EJ

Wounds, Scars and Disabilities…..

I recently met up with a friend who has a disability. This fellow is one of the most accomplished people I know, and once I started thinking, it occurred to me that we’re all disabled in some way or another.

Some people have physical disabilities that you can see. Others wear prosthetics so at times you can’t see their physical imperfections. Then there are seemingly normal people who end up stalking innocent victims, or going postal and physically harming people. If you think about it, we all have scars and wounds. We all have disabilities, but they are unlabelled. You know what I am talking about: abusers and the people who stay with them, people who can’t handle their own emotions, people who can’t stop smoking/taking drugs/drinking….whatever the vice is….and the list goes on and on. It’s true…we’re all damaged.

Someone once told me, “We’re all recovering from something”…be it a break up, a bad relationship, a physical ailment, or a mental ailment. It’s true. Where is the help for these ‘disabilities’? Just because the scars are not visible to the naked eye does not mean that they do not exist.

New Rule: We’re all disabled in some way or another. Just do the best with what you have, when you have it, wherever you are.

- SR

A Misconception About Time……

……is that ‘Time heals all wounds’. It doesn’t. But what is does do is dull the sting of wounds.

It’s like revisiting a psychological wound. Each time you go there, it hurts, but you’ve been there so many times that after a while, you just become immune to the pain and the sting. It’s not that the wound has been healed; it hasn’t. If it had healed, you would not hurt anymore. But you still hurt, albeit a bit less.

New Rule: Time doesn’t heal wounds; it dulls their sting.

- SR

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

New Rule: There are no "shoulds" or "ought to's" or "have to's" in life...

I need to keep telling myself this over and over. You see, the formerly mentioned Prince is still in the picture. He has since turned into Prince Charming. He adores, worships, loves me - in the way I always dreamed of being adored, worshipped and loved by a man. He has literally and figuratively swept me off my feet... in the way I always dreamed of as a child, as a young adult, as a woman awaiting the fairy tale to come true. And now it has come true. Prince Charming has ridden into my life (minus white horse and sword) and is ready to sweep me away and make me his forever.

But I am a single gal in New York. I have been single for a long time. I actually LIKE being on my own, independent, with all the space I need to breathe. Excuse the comparison but I sometimes feel like Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex and the City) personified. Only without the fabulous wardrobe and perfect body. I don't think I am ready for being swept away just yet. In fact I KNOW I am not ready.

I keep telling myself that I should fall for this guy as hard as he has fallen for me. That I should embrace his love and accept him into my life without reservation. That I should seriously consider spending the rest of my life with him. What am I waiting for, after all? Isn't THIS what I have been waiting for?

But I have to learn to accept that - considering who I am and what's most important to me - that maybe we will end up together... but maybe we won't. It's too soon to say, plain and simple. Just because he is so great, doesn't mean I have to make a life with this man, right? There are no Shoulds. There are no Ought To's. There are no Have To's. I only "have to" do what feels right, when it feels right. I will know what to do when the time comes. And until then...

...There are no Shoulds.

-EJ

Diffuse your bomb…...

.......before you become a suicide bomber!!

You hold grudges. When someone upsets you, you don’t immediately speak up. You bitch and moan to friends. You silently seethe. A while later, a second hurt is inflicted upon you. Then a third. You’ve pretty much almost had it. Then, one day…….KAPOW!...you explode. And the world better watch out. Even you can’t believe the caustic things that come out of your mouth. 10 minutes after you’re done yelling at the recipient of your verbal tirade, you regret it more than you ever expected. You can’t take your words back, and you know that your ‘friendship’ will never be the same.

Next time, don’t hold it in in the first place. While there is no need to bitch and moan over every little thing, if you feel like you have genuinely been slighted, then speak up. It’s the only hope you have to clear the air, and diffuse a situation that has no good end.

New Rule: Speak up! Clear the air.

- SR

Big Girls Do Cry……….

There are times when a) hormones rear their ugly head and you have absolutely no control over your emotions or b) life just gets to you, and there is nothing left to do but just cry it out.

Believe me, I am not a weepy sort. But with the exception of the past 4-5 months, over the past 2 years, life had other plans for me. There have been times in my life when I have really needed to cry. And I mean need. I have cried alone, and I’ve cried in front of people I trust. And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with, or shameful and/or humiliating about crying. It’s cathartic, and I guarantee you will always feel better after you do it.

And clinical research backs me up: emotional tears are different from other tears in that they contain endorphins, and as we all know, these are the ‘feel good’ hormones. They’re also the body’s natural pain relievers.

New Rule: Tears are antifreeze for your soul. It’s ok to cry; hell, it’s sometimes good for you to cry. Even when you don’t quite know why you're crying.

- SR

Gratitude….

I believe that god answers all prayers……and sometimes the answer is No. At times like this, we lose our faith. We get angry with god. Sometimes we even forsake him. I know I’ve definitely been there. But then, as time passes, I look back at my life and I realize that had I received that which I thought I so desperately wanted, ultimately it would not have been good for me. I have seen so many examples of this in my life, and the outcome has always been the same. My life has been much better because I did not get that job, didn’t marry that boy, or didn’t get on that plane.

It’s like being a child in a mother’s lap, happily enjoying sweets. After a point, the mother will take away the sweets because she knows that it is just not good for the child. The child throws a fit, and retaliates not knowing, and not accepting, that she has done what will ultimately be the best for him. In the same way, when sometimes we do not get what we want, it might just be because it was not the best for us.

New Rule: Be grateful for what you have; But be just as grateful for what you didn’t get.

- SR

A New Rule for This Minute…….

You have more power thank you realize. With only a few words, you can either make someone’s day, or ruin it. Why not take a moment today…right now…to tell someone how you really feel about him/her?

Five people to call right now:
- Mom/Dad: Tell her/him that you love her/him, and that you truly appreciate her/him even though you don’t say it enough. Acknowledge that you are where you are in life today most likely because s/he provided unconditional love and support, particularly when you really needed it.
- Your closest friend: Just say thanks for always being there for you. If you’re the unemotional type, have a few shots, or grow a pair and say “Thank you for knowing the darkest side of me, and still loving me….and especially for not blackmailing me”.
- Call that person you pissed off and apologize: Just say “I’m sorry”. Trust me, that’s all you need to do.
- Any relative: Tell him/her that you’re just thinking of him/her and you wanted to say hello.
- Someone who you know is having a difficult time in life: Just let him/her know that you’re there, and ready, willing and able to help.

For starters, pick any 2 on this list and in the words of Nike, Just Do It!

New Rule: Tell someone what you’re really feeling RIGHT NOW. Pick up the phone.

- SR

Self Control….

There will be times in our lives (sometimes more often that we’d like) when people will be rude, crude, lewd, mean, and downright nasty to us. People will intentionally try to screw us and fuck us in the most unenjoyable ways. There is no really good way to deal with this, but there is possibly one effective way.

Step back. Waaay back. Then look at the situation. Most often people do these things to get a reaction from you. They want to ‘get back’ at you, or ‘punish’ you for their own shortcomings and their own issues, insecurities and faults. Perhaps s/he is taking out unjustified anger on you. No matter what the case, it is critical to remember one thing: you can and must control your emotions. You cannot control what someone does, but you most certainly can control how you react to it.

The minute you let someone affect your mood, you hand over what is most precious to you: control over yourself.

New Rule: Do not let anyone have control over your emotions and what you feel. The minute you give someone that control, you lose.

- SR

Compromising vs. Settling

I am single, and for the most part, happily so. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when I really wish that I was part of a couple. But overall, I am happy with my life. I was at a dinner party last night, and the host and I were chatting about my singlehood. As I looked around the table, I can honestly say that I would not have considered even one of those men as a suitor. One would think that I might be too picky, but believe me that is not the case.

I got to thinking, and realized the different between compromising and settling. I am happy to compromise on my criteria for a mate. I honestly believe that you cannot start out with a list of criteria and I also believe that you will never really get 100% of what you want. But I also don’t think that I am willing to settle for less than what I believe is acceptable.

Quite frankly, looks are not that important to me, and anyone who has seen some of the people I’ve gone out with will vouch for this (sadly!). But education, values, morals, and personality are super important. These are things I will not compromise on. I refuse to settle just to have a man in my life….he must be the right man.

New Rule: Recognize the difference between compromising and settling. And be true to yourself and your needs when faced with this choice.

- SR

Face yourself….

There is a time in your life that you will have to come to terms with the real you. You think you know who you are, but the reality is that you generally know only the ‘you’ that you want to know.

Think of the things that truly scare you….your most vulnerable insecurities and fears. When you face these, only then are you facing yourself. It took me a very long time to admit certain fears and insecurities that plague me. But once I admitted them to myself, I was able to understand why I sometimes do what I do. Only by realizing what I was afraid of was I able to start to find ways to ‘fix’ myself.

New Rule: Don’t let your fears and insecurities rule you and shape your actions. Don’t hide from yourself. Instead, face your demons head on and do what you can to fight them and become stronger.

- SR

Ask for what you want.....

Life isn’t fair. It’s hard to accept it, but it’s the truth. The other day I randomly came across a book, the title of which really resonated with me, and quite frankly, really hit home. The following is true not just in business, but also in life……

New Rule: You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.

- SR

Relationship Cancer……

You know what I am talking about. You meet a guy. You start dating said guy. But some part of you is not really happy. You start making excuses for him. The relationship continues. It’s been 2 years now…..you’ve never been truly happy but things are not really thaaaaat bad. Plus, it’s better than being alone.

During this time, he has mistreated you, perhaps even cheated on you but you want to believe that it will never happen again. Somehow its been 5…7….years now, and quite honestly you don’t know where the time went! Now you’re too afraid to break up with him even though you know its not a healthy relationship for you. The thought of ‘starting over’ at 37…40…whatever is just too daunting.

Like a malicious cancer in a healthy body, your relationship has been contaminated and ruined to the point of no return. You just don’t know what you can or should do now. Relationship cancer is like physical, bodily cancer. If you don’t attack it and even cut it out, it WILL take over your whole life and possibly ruin you.

New Rule: If it doesn’t work for you, sever it. Don’t ‘give it time’; Don’t let the cancer spread.

- SR

The thing about Tough Love.....

…..is that it is diffult for everyone. It is often difficult to give, is frequently unappreciated and sometimes misunderstood. Several weeks ago, EJ gave me some tough love. At that moment, I think she felt bad being ‘harsh’ with me, and I felt a little bitch-slapped by life and ever so slightly by my friend. But the next day, I also realized something. She is my friend. She only wants the best for me, and I trust her without limitation.

She would have been remiss in our friendship had she NOT given me a dose of reality that was much needed. Even though it hurt me a little bit, it was what I needed to acknowledge and what she explicitly needed to say to me b/c I just was not listening.

New Rule: Realize that tough love is difficult for the giver as well as the receiver. But also realize that like medicine that is sometimes bitter to swallow, it is for your own good, and your fabulous friend is your physician.

- SR

To do or not to do……

Reflecting (yet again!) on my life....and how much time I have spent vacillating about whether to do something or not...whether to do this or do that, I realized that no matter how many hours I had spent thinking about things and the various options and alternatives I had....when it was time to actually make the decision, the choice was always much more obvious than I'd ever expected it to be.

I think we all spend so much time worrying about whether to do this or whether to do that that we forget one thing…..when the time is right, the correct decision is usually quite obvious.

Think about it, and you’ll see many examples of this in your own life.

New Rule: Decisions usually make themselves when the time is right.

- SR

There are no rules

On one hand there is a prince, a gem of a man who is offering up his heart and soul to me on a silver platter, who would do anything and everything to be with me...

And then there is the selfish, egotistical, lazy, inconsiderate almost-man who, after many months and some tears, has finally made himself available and has finally expressed interest in taking me out for the evening.

Smart rules would say, go for the prince, reciprocate his feelings, relish in loving and being loved, be treated as you deserve to be. Don't waste your time with Almost-Man. He doesn't deserve your time or attention. All he wants is to get laid, and you know that perfectly well.

OK fine. But maybe I am not so smart. Maybe I don't always follow the "smart" rules. After all, I am only human, and I enjoy being wanted just as much as the next girl.

New Rule: When it comes to needing to feel desired, maybe it's OK to break the smart rules now and then. As long as you don't beat yourself up about it.

- EJ

Express Yourself

Apologies for being out of touch, offline, in another world for the past few months. I have no excuse, other than sheer lack of creativity and interest. And I realize now that the lack of interest is part of a vicious cycle, that the longer one goes without expressing oneself, the harder it is to return to the creative side. It's kind of like going to the gym... we all know how weak those muscles become and how lazy the body will be the longer we avoid exercise, how much harder it is to return after weeks or months away from the gym. Exercising the creative brain is no different. It needs constant attention and flexing to remain sharp, innovative, interesting.

Since my last post, so much has happened. My father was diagnosed with a not-so-rare but scary nonetheless heart condition. It really put things into perspective and frightened me in ways I have never before experiences. He is my dad. He is my rock. I cannot imagine living in a world without him, and it scares me to pieces. Yet as of now, he is doing amazingly well: forced to give up caffeine, he feels healthier, stronger, better than he has in decades! "Relief" does not do justice to how I felt having heard that news.

I have met a man that has fallen head over heels, heart and soul in love with me. For the first time ever I am on the receiving end of a man's utter adoration, and I have gotten so lost in the joy and emotion that comes with being unconditionally loved that I simply have no words. Not yet anyway. But they will come.

I will be the proud auntie of two new baby girls before year's end, to total eight nieces and nephews. My family is growing by leaps and bounds, and there is nothing but happiness as each new life emerges. We have been so lucky.

I finished school, received a Masters degree for which I worked my tail off, traveled to Barcelona and Paris, visited my fabulous grandmother... All this, and I have thus far failed to write.

New Rule: Never stop writing. Never stop sharing. Never stop expressing yourself, your feelings, your thoughts with words. The art of expression is a muscle that requires constant exercise if it is to stay in shape, requires constant activity if it is to remain uniquely creative. Stay in the groove and tap into your creative self, today, tomorrow, always. Never stop writing.

-EJ

A cliché reborn as a New Rule

Today is the 10th. This month marks 9 months since papa passed away. I read something very recently that really stuck with me: “….if I had known that I had so few sesame seeds, I would have been more careful with them in my hands”.

So true! We take so much for granted. We fight with people knowing that they will be there tomorrow for us to make up with. We assume that the tomorrow itself will come. We sometimes wait till ‘tomorrow’ to say what is in our heart, not realizing that tomorrow may not come. Or that someone may not be there tomorrow.

New Rule: Time is limited. Resources are limited. Treat them as rare commodities.

- SR

Personal Teams....

EJ and I were sitting in Union Square Park last Friday. I was having a particularly shit day, and we’d met to have a look at plants in the Union Square Market. She suspected that something was not quite right with me that day and causally asked me what was up. I dismissed the question with a “Don’t want to talk about it”, and we checked out the plants etc. When we sat down later in the park, I think she sensed that I needed to talk, and she again asked me what the matter was. This time I had a mild attack of verbal diarrhea and I just started talking about all the things that were on my mind.

I felt SO much better after just talking to a trusted friend about what was going on in my life and what was upsetting me. But I was reluctant to talk to her in the first place b/c another ‘friend’ in the past once said to me “friends are not your therapists! If you want to talk about things get a therapist”. I kid you not, this is the general gist of what she said and it affected me so much that I never forgot her words, and from that time on, I always second guessed my decision to talk with friends b/c I did not want to feel like a burden on anyone.

EJ set me straight for once and for all. I don’t have any major psychological issues for which I seriously need a therapist. Sometimes we all just need a friend to talk to, and to put things in perspective. At times, just getting the thoughts out of your head makes it infinitely better.

New Rule: Life is a group project. Friends are people on our team who help us get through both good and bad times.

Newer Rule: Never be afraid to lean on your friends.

- SR

To fear or not to fear…..

I was chatting with a friend the other day and the conversation gravitated to events that would likely take place this coming weekend. Long story short: we were basically trying to predict how things would play out over the weekend, and we kept thinking and worrying about “what if this…?” or “what if that…?” We were basically trying to figure out how things would happen, and how she would/should react to those events.

And suddenly it hit me: we were worrying about things that may not even happen! But it wasn’t just us doing it this particular time. When I really thought about it, I realized that we all do this, all the time….and it is truly a very difficult thing to not do. Yet this is one of the most obvious time and energy sappers I’ve ever come across.

New Rule: Don’t worry about things that have not yet happened….they may never happen!

- SR

The true value of forgiveness

Forgiving another person is one of the most generous gifts one can ever give. It is also one of the hardest things to do. I think part of the reason it’s so hard to forgive is that we fail to recognize what forgiving someone else does for us. We only see forgiveness as something that alleviates someone else’s pain, and when we are in pain ourselves, that level of unselfish generosity is just not comprehensible.

It is important to realize that when you forgive someone, you also release yourself from the burden of being angry at him/her. Think about all the people you’ve been angry with…..now think about how much of your time and energy is wasted on such a useless emotion. And at the end of the day, that is what anger is. It is destructive and it leaves both people feeling negative.

New Rule: Forgive someone! It will release you from the bonds of anger and will also make someone else’s life easier.

- SR

A father’s wisdom…..

In the months since my father passed away, I find myself thinking about him more than I ever did in our years together. One of the greatest gifts papa ever gave me was one particular piece of advice, and an example I hope to follow.

No matter what I did, no matter how bad it was….and believe me, there were some truly spectacular incidents during those horrible teenage years…..whenever I confessed to papa, and whenever I reached out to him for help on dealing with the messes that I had created, he always said “It’s over….now forget it, and move on. If you can make amends, do so. If you can’t, then just put it in the past and move on. Don’t look back”.

This single piece of advice has bought me many moments of peace, comfort and relief. It has allowed me to forgive myself for my mistakes, forgive others for their mistakes and resume ‘normal’ life.

New Rule: Leave the past in the past. Don’t let it color the present, or shape the future.

- SR

Girls vs. Boys

Girls are stronger than boys. You know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it. Even scientists know it. Baby girls born prematurely are more than twice as likely to survive as baby boys born at the same weight. Women outlive men. Hell, they outLOVE men too!

So why are we afraid? Why do we feel like we “can’t”….that we’re not good enough or smart enough. We are all that and more.

Mother Nature was right. Girls are way stronger than we think we are. It’s time to recognize this, embrace it and giving ourselves all the credit that we deserver. And more!

New rule: You’re stronger than you think, more so b/c you’re a girl.

- SR

The body as a gauge……

The human body is one of the most remarkable feats of nature. When something gets in your eye, it tears up and the tears wash out the offending intruder. When something irritates your nose, you sneeze to expel the foreign body. Same with coughing.

Pain in the body signals overexertion, or that something may be wrong. Sometimes, your body even knows things your mind is unwilling to recognize. A few years ago, I was in a relationship that just was just not healthy for me. Unsurprisingly, I kept getting sick. Looking back, I really do believe that my body was physically rejecting him…but I didn’t listen.

Whenever I am stressed, or am emotionally taxed, my body always reacts in precisely the same way. When I am stressed or worried, my stomach immediately gets upset. And when I am emotionally spent, my body and mind both shut down and I almost always need excessive amounts of sleep. There are times when I am worried or stressed or emotionally taxed, and my body is physically reacting to these situations, yet I am too preoccupied with life to even know why or to stop to figure out what it is that is causing these reactions. I have now learned to pause for a moment….to ask “why this now?” Almost inevitably, I find that my body is telling me that I need to pay attention to something in particular.

New Rule: Your body will explicitly tell you things you need to pay attention to. Stop ignoring it!

- SR

A new dawn…..

Self-awareness is one of the most difficult and painful experiences. I realized something about myself today. Whenever I meet a new boy, I automatically think, “He’s the one! He’s perfect!” Mind you, this is usually about 6 weeks before I actually realize that he is so NOT the one and he is so NOT perfect.

Why is it that the minute you have some semblance of a connection with someone, you seem to lose total control of your senses, and your brain suddenly goes on hiatus?? I was going down the same road today when I had to put on the brakes and remind myself: I barely knew this guy! I needed a reality check. I needed to stop obsessing! I needed to stop focusing on only one person, and closing myself to the possibility of others. I hold on tightly to the first thing that meets my standards and don’t even consider the possibility of exploring other avenues. This is something I am seriously guilty of. And not just in relationships. I have a comfortable experience and I don’t even want to consider any new possibilities b/c they are new, uncertain and fraught with anxiety. This is one of the reasons, to some extent, that I am also where I am in my career today.

So, armed with this new knowledge, today I have decided to make a conscious attempt to break out of old habits and not be afraid of trying new things, and meet new people, no matter how scared I am.

New Rule: Get out of your own way! Recognize the patterns in your life, and if they don’t work for you, break them.

- SR

…the chicken or the egg??

Thinking about things in my own life….in particular when times have been tougher than easier, I was specifically thinking about people in my life. Friend, relatives, neighbors…. people. Have you been in a situation where you thought someone would totally be there for you, or step up when shit hit the fan? And they didn’t? And then the unlikeliest of people stepped up and showed you who they are….

It is said that adversity builds character. I disagree. Strongly. I believe it shows your character. It shows who you really are, and what you’re made of. When we don’t know what to do, we usually revert back to our basic instincts, and who we truly are.

New Rule: Adversity doesn’t build character, it illuminates it.

- SR

aaah, boys!!

If you’re like me, you generally torture yourself over any number of things. Today, the torture of choice is…”how come he has not called me yet?”

So many times, we want things so badly that we will do anything to get them. Things, a person, a boy…the list goes on. My particular dilemma today is….how many days after a good (at least you thought so!) date, is the boy supposed to call? If you have not heard from him, can you call him? Should you call him???? My life’s had less drama than usual, so I think I decided to give myself things to worry about and get anxious about….thus the ensuing worry about this particular boy. Mind you it’s not that the date was thaaaaaaaaaat fab…or anything like that. As blind dates go, it was a pleasant evening, but the truth is…it’s SO an ego thing! I want him to call b/c it feeds my ego. There, I’ve said it.

But in the middle all of this, I realized something else….things happen the way they are supposed to, and when they are supposed to. For ex, I could easily call the boy and have another date or two. But, ultimately, if he is uninterested enough to call, he will remain uninterested over the long run and I will have wasted additional time and effort only to end up in exactly the same place. Aaah the futility of effort!

New Rule: If it is meant for me, it will come to me.

- SR

AAAARGH!

Do you ever get to the point where you have just had it? When nothing seems to go your way, and you’re looking up at the heavens wondering…..WHY?? Why?? What the hell have I done to deserve this?!!?

At times like this, when I am frustrated beyond belief, I get so angry with people, the world and god… and then I ask him…what is up with this shit??????

New Rule: It’s ok to be pissed off with god, and it’s even more ok to let him know.

- SR

Get out and play

The sun is shining. Spring has finally arrived. Maybe, just for today, even just for an hour, table all thoughts of dumb boys and work and stress and adulthood and...

(New Rule): Get out and play!

-EJ

The Four Types of Men…

There are basically 4 types of men, and the reason us women are always, in some way, shape, or form, tortured by them is that we keep confusing which category they fit in.

To simplify my life, here are the 4 categories I have come up with:

1. Mr. Right
2. Mr. Right Now
3. Mr. Now
4. Mr. Wrong

New Rule: Figure out who is in which category, act appropriately and remember not to confuse the categories!

- SR

A New Rule to Effect Immediately...

How many times have you heard a friend say the following:

“………I just don’t get him! He said he would he would (be there, do that) but he didn’t!! I feel like his work/family/hobby/whatever always gets priority over me…I just don’t get it. I don’t understand him. He said X but he did Y……”

As I sat and listened to yet another friend say pretty much the same thing yet again, I realized….she was not tuned in to HIM; She was only tuned in to what SHE wanted.

In relationships particularly, you can wish, hope and want a million things that won’t happen and then time and again get frustrated and likely exclaim, “I just don’t get him!!” The problem is….he is showing you who he really is, and unfortunately, you refuse to believe him because you just want to hold on to your idea of who you want him to be.

New Rule: People always SHOW you who they are. Believe them!!! Or, proceed at your own risk, and prepare for heartache.

PS: This New Rule applies to ALL relationships, regardless of gender, race, religion etc..

- SR

Lessons from an Ex....

I was thinking about an ex today. It’s not that I was missing him or anything….getting rid of that fool was the best thing to happen to me. But what I was thinking was this: Mr. X is an intelligent and extremely successful man. But, in spite of his wealth, and his material success, he was unhappy. He once admitted to me that at times he was so depressed that he could not get out of bed, or function. He lived in a great house and had achieved incredible financial success. But he was basically a lonely, miserable and unhappy person.

And I learned a valuable lesson: You never know what’s going on inside people’s heads and their lives. To the outside world he seemed like this super successful guy who had it all…but the reality was that he was an empty person who had no one to share his success and his hope and fears with. What he portrayed and who he really was were two very different things.

There is a saying in a foreign language: The teeth that an elephant shows to the world aren’t those that he eats with.

New Rule: People aren’t always what they seem to be, and you can’t judge your insides with other people’s outsides.

- SR

Poison

So, there is this guy (isn't there always?). Last time you two tried to be together, it was an utter disaster. You couldn't even speak without getting into some stupid disagreement about peoples' behavior, who was right or wrong, etc. His actions - or lack thereof - made you crazy. You spent more time being disappointed by him than enjoying his company.

Then there was the sex. You slept with him on your second encounter. It wasn't even a date. He just stopped by to say hello. And things got weird, and you started to argue, and all of sudden you became that dumb teenager who sleeps with the guy out of fear that he will leave or won't like you... and because quite frankly it was the only way to keep you two from arguing. Afterward you felt awkward and foolish and somewhat ashamed. After all, you a are a thirty-something, confident woman. And against your better judgement you just got "pressured" into having sex. You knew you weren't ready, you barely know this guy. And the fact that his version of post-coital romance involved running out the door more quickly than he actually 'came' proves that you should have followed your instincts... Which have long been telling you that he is kind of an asshole. And the fact that you are still talking to him now, hoping he will call, wanting him to want you... well, that makes you an even BIGGER asshole.

New rule: Grow up. Get smart. You can and desperately need to learn. You deserve a man that makes you feel good, and you KNOW this. The sex isn't even that great, for goodness sake! Stop holding on to something that is so totally bad for you. If you really insist on poisoning yourself like this, you would be better off chain-smoking or diving into a bottle of vodka. Seriously.

Oh, and if you are feeling “pressured” into having sex past the age of 30, there is a serious problem to contend with...

-EJ

Look at the Now....

Ever been in a relationship where you think: ”….oh, if only XYZ happened, then we would be fine”? XYZ could be anything…if only he had a new job, if only I lost 10 lbs, if only we could spend more time together……blah, blah. Women do this all the time. Men don’t (in relationships) and maybe they’re on to something. I’ve never heard a man say…”if only she lost 30 lbs, she’s be super hot!”…they just move on if something is not right for them. They don't stick around 'hoping' for something to change. If it's not right for them, it's not right for them. End of story.

New Rule: Evaluate people and situations on how they are at the present, not what you think their 'potential' is.

-SR

Lessons from 2nd Grade....

I was in the car with my niece yesterday and she was telling me about things that she is learning in school. At one point she said to me "....when someone asks you your name and where you live, and you are not sure if he is a good person, you should just make up a name….and don’t tell a stranger where you live…..”. And it occurred to me…the same applies in the real world!

New Rule: If you’re at a bar/restaurant/coffee shop/park/wherever and are approached by a stranger you’re not quite sure about….there is no law that says you need to give your real name and number!

-SR

Get Human

Once again do you find yourself screaming "help!" or "agent!" or "not that's not what I said!" at those incredibly annoying, voice-activated customer service prompters?

New rule: Calm down! The computer can't hear you. Instead of shouting, make your life easier by going to www.gethuman.com, a Website that reveals the "secret" for reaching an actual human being for hundreds of companies and phone numbers. It's brilliant!

-EJ

Put the mask on yourself first

2006 was an incredibly hard year for me, and 2007 so far has continued the trend. It's been a most challenging period, but also one of phenomenal personal growth for me.

You know when in planes they talk about what to do if the plane were to go down....they always say "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" and then tend to others. Life works the same way, and there are instances where you and the people around you are going to go down.

New Rule: Put the mask on yourself first. Help yourself so that you can help others. A fucked-up you is a useless you. It's important to step back, gain some perspective and give yourself whatever you need so that you can help those around you.


Readers: We started this blog today, and we invite you to share your insights and New Rules with us.

- SR

Too close for comfort

When you feel like you have become the women on Sex and The City, when you realize you have the same dating horror stories, the same sexual encounters, the same New York challenges, the same (less expensive version of) high-heeled shoes... When your life is quite literally Sex and the City without the glamour, and you find yourself exclaiming at each new episode "oh my god that happened to me!" (and it’s usually not one of the more tasteful or attractive moments in the girls’ lives)...

New Rule: It's either time to leave New York, or time to turn off the damn television.

-EJ