Difficult Questions to Ask and Answer…

One of the most painful decisions I’ve ever made in my life so far was the decision to stop fighting for my dad’s life. But when the time to make this decision came, it was one of the simplest decisions I have ever made. Simple yet painful. Simple because I knew exactly what my father’s wishes were, and I knew, without a doubt, that my job was to carry those wishes out. Painful because I knew the implications of that decision.

When papa started taking a turn for the worse, I had to decide whether his chart should read DNR and/or DNI (Do not resuscitate/intubate). This was something we had discussed way before we had any inkling that cancer was lurking. Papa had always told me: It’s a numbers game: if there is a 60% chance that I will not ‘come out of it or be normal again”, then let me go; if there is a 60% chance that I will be fine, then fight for me; if it’s 50/50, then think as clearly and unemotionally as possible”. Further, he had always told us that he wanted any and all usable organs donated. And because he was enrolled in a clinical study for prostate cancer, he also specified that he wanted his body donated so that they could study the effects of the drugs.

I have had a similar conversation with my mother so that we each know, without a doubt, what the other’s wishes are. Do your loved ones know your wishes? Do you know theirs? Believe me, the day will come when you will need to make difficult decisions…..the time to prepare for them is now.

New Rule: Ask and Answer difficult questions. Now, while you have the physical and emotional capacity to do so.

- SR

What is Love???

How do you define Love?

I have often thought about this one, and I always come back to something I’d read about 10 years ago:

"...if I answered that real devotion consists of being willing to lie, cheat and fake in order to make another person happy - to create for him the reality he wants, if he doesn't like the one that exists...It's really very simple. If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It's no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. But if you tell an ugly woman that she is beautiful, you offer to her the great homage of corrupting the concept of beauty. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She's earned it, it's a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake - and that is a real tribute of love because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self esteem..." - Ayn Rand

New Rule: Figure out what your definition of ‘Love’ is.

- SR

Journeys and Destinations…

So many of us have been raised with the implicit understanding that marriage is a ‘natural’ part of life. This notion isn’t drilled into only women; so many men have this same view of the world. You go to college, then you go to grad school, then you get married and then you have kids. Although I have noted men and women alike sharing this same view, for women in particular, marriage seems to be a destination of sorts: a milestone you need to reach by a certain age. Perhaps it has to do with our ‘limited fertility’ that brings with it a feeling that if you are not married by a certain age, then you will not be able to have kids, and therefore the whole notion of the ‘normal’ course of life will be disturbed with no hope for redemption.

But I see life in a different way. For me, marriage is not some sort of destination to arrive at; rather it is a journey meant to be taken with someone whose company and mind you truly enjoy. Perhaps it is because I have already reached this ‘destination’ once in my life, and after having done so, I ran the other way. But seriously, isn’t the whole point of marriage…the goal, so to speak….to find someone who truly ‘gets’ you and whom you want to share your life with?

New Rule: Relationships and Marriage are not destinations to arrive at; rather they are journeys to be taken with someone you truly want to be with.

- SR

MAS!!!

EJ’s previous post has inspired this one. She and I met a few years back on the couch of someone we both have sort of lost track of. The first words I spoke to her were along the lines of “I love your hair….what products do you use???”!!!

Over the years, she has been someone I have been able to confide in without fear of being judged. She has been my champion, one of my biggest supporters and my therapist. Somewhere along the way, MAS was formed…the Mutual Admiration Society. And I realized: we all need a friend who offers unconditional love and advice; someone who will lift you up when life…and sometimes you yourself…. beats you down.

New Rule: Start your own MAS with someone whom you love, admire and respects…and who does the same for you.

- SR

Give Credit

I failed to mention yesterday, it was SR who provided me with unconditional emotional support as I cried following the blood-drawing-freakout, as well as the wisdom and courage to see that this was a necessary step to taking care of myself as I get older. SR inspired yesterday's post and the realization that I now must be a responsible adult. SR - with her love, caring and friendship - gives me life.

New Rule: Give credit where credit is due, especially when it is deserving of a very special friend.

-EJ

Give Life! Give Blood!

...Thus read the ridiculously oversized banner that welcomed me to work on Friday. Taunting me, tormenting me in all its loudness and irony. Because in the past five months I have had my blood drawn three times - twice in the last week. And each time, I totally panic, cry hysterically and come close to fainting. I am not just needle-phobic, but also deathly and uncontrollably horrified by the sight of my own veins in my arms. I can barely glance at my wrists without feeling queasy - something I have struggled with and been teased about by a tormenting family my entire life. And until recently something I have been able to pretty much ignore and not worry about, having given blood a total of maybe three times
since toddler-hood.

But now I am 33, which in some parts of the world is considered old. Medically speaking, it certainly isn't young. My insurance steadily rises every year for a reason. I am a potential health hazard. My body is shifting and changing inside, and now the only way to know what's really happening on the inside is to give a little blood. And I just have to deal with it.

I eat healthy, exercise daily and practice yoga religiously. These are things I can control and commit to but clearly they aren't enbough, because lately I have been getting sick an awful lot. I need to start taking care of myself in every way. That's what responsible adults do, right?

New rule: Accept that growing up means becoming responsible for your health, mind body and soul... from the inside out. You can eat healthy and exercise all you want, but unless you check yourself on the inside now and then, you will never be 100% in control of your health. So give a little blood now and then. And give YOURSELF a life.

- EJ

Wounds, Scars and Disabilities…..

I recently met up with a friend who has a disability. This fellow is one of the most accomplished people I know, and once I started thinking, it occurred to me that we’re all disabled in some way or another.

Some people have physical disabilities that you can see. Others wear prosthetics so at times you can’t see their physical imperfections. Then there are seemingly normal people who end up stalking innocent victims, or going postal and physically harming people. If you think about it, we all have scars and wounds. We all have disabilities, but they are unlabelled. You know what I am talking about: abusers and the people who stay with them, people who can’t handle their own emotions, people who can’t stop smoking/taking drugs/drinking….whatever the vice is….and the list goes on and on. It’s true…we’re all damaged.

Someone once told me, “We’re all recovering from something”…be it a break up, a bad relationship, a physical ailment, or a mental ailment. It’s true. Where is the help for these ‘disabilities’? Just because the scars are not visible to the naked eye does not mean that they do not exist.

New Rule: We’re all disabled in some way or another. Just do the best with what you have, when you have it, wherever you are.

- SR

A Misconception About Time……

……is that ‘Time heals all wounds’. It doesn’t. But what is does do is dull the sting of wounds.

It’s like revisiting a psychological wound. Each time you go there, it hurts, but you’ve been there so many times that after a while, you just become immune to the pain and the sting. It’s not that the wound has been healed; it hasn’t. If it had healed, you would not hurt anymore. But you still hurt, albeit a bit less.

New Rule: Time doesn’t heal wounds; it dulls their sting.

- SR

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

New Rule: There are no "shoulds" or "ought to's" or "have to's" in life...

I need to keep telling myself this over and over. You see, the formerly mentioned Prince is still in the picture. He has since turned into Prince Charming. He adores, worships, loves me - in the way I always dreamed of being adored, worshipped and loved by a man. He has literally and figuratively swept me off my feet... in the way I always dreamed of as a child, as a young adult, as a woman awaiting the fairy tale to come true. And now it has come true. Prince Charming has ridden into my life (minus white horse and sword) and is ready to sweep me away and make me his forever.

But I am a single gal in New York. I have been single for a long time. I actually LIKE being on my own, independent, with all the space I need to breathe. Excuse the comparison but I sometimes feel like Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex and the City) personified. Only without the fabulous wardrobe and perfect body. I don't think I am ready for being swept away just yet. In fact I KNOW I am not ready.

I keep telling myself that I should fall for this guy as hard as he has fallen for me. That I should embrace his love and accept him into my life without reservation. That I should seriously consider spending the rest of my life with him. What am I waiting for, after all? Isn't THIS what I have been waiting for?

But I have to learn to accept that - considering who I am and what's most important to me - that maybe we will end up together... but maybe we won't. It's too soon to say, plain and simple. Just because he is so great, doesn't mean I have to make a life with this man, right? There are no Shoulds. There are no Ought To's. There are no Have To's. I only "have to" do what feels right, when it feels right. I will know what to do when the time comes. And until then...

...There are no Shoulds.

-EJ

Diffuse your bomb…...

.......before you become a suicide bomber!!

You hold grudges. When someone upsets you, you don’t immediately speak up. You bitch and moan to friends. You silently seethe. A while later, a second hurt is inflicted upon you. Then a third. You’ve pretty much almost had it. Then, one day…….KAPOW!...you explode. And the world better watch out. Even you can’t believe the caustic things that come out of your mouth. 10 minutes after you’re done yelling at the recipient of your verbal tirade, you regret it more than you ever expected. You can’t take your words back, and you know that your ‘friendship’ will never be the same.

Next time, don’t hold it in in the first place. While there is no need to bitch and moan over every little thing, if you feel like you have genuinely been slighted, then speak up. It’s the only hope you have to clear the air, and diffuse a situation that has no good end.

New Rule: Speak up! Clear the air.

- SR

Big Girls Do Cry……….

There are times when a) hormones rear their ugly head and you have absolutely no control over your emotions or b) life just gets to you, and there is nothing left to do but just cry it out.

Believe me, I am not a weepy sort. But with the exception of the past 4-5 months, over the past 2 years, life had other plans for me. There have been times in my life when I have really needed to cry. And I mean need. I have cried alone, and I’ve cried in front of people I trust. And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with, or shameful and/or humiliating about crying. It’s cathartic, and I guarantee you will always feel better after you do it.

And clinical research backs me up: emotional tears are different from other tears in that they contain endorphins, and as we all know, these are the ‘feel good’ hormones. They’re also the body’s natural pain relievers.

New Rule: Tears are antifreeze for your soul. It’s ok to cry; hell, it’s sometimes good for you to cry. Even when you don’t quite know why you're crying.

- SR

Gratitude….

I believe that god answers all prayers……and sometimes the answer is No. At times like this, we lose our faith. We get angry with god. Sometimes we even forsake him. I know I’ve definitely been there. But then, as time passes, I look back at my life and I realize that had I received that which I thought I so desperately wanted, ultimately it would not have been good for me. I have seen so many examples of this in my life, and the outcome has always been the same. My life has been much better because I did not get that job, didn’t marry that boy, or didn’t get on that plane.

It’s like being a child in a mother’s lap, happily enjoying sweets. After a point, the mother will take away the sweets because she knows that it is just not good for the child. The child throws a fit, and retaliates not knowing, and not accepting, that she has done what will ultimately be the best for him. In the same way, when sometimes we do not get what we want, it might just be because it was not the best for us.

New Rule: Be grateful for what you have; But be just as grateful for what you didn’t get.

- SR

A New Rule for This Minute…….

You have more power thank you realize. With only a few words, you can either make someone’s day, or ruin it. Why not take a moment today…right now…to tell someone how you really feel about him/her?

Five people to call right now:
- Mom/Dad: Tell her/him that you love her/him, and that you truly appreciate her/him even though you don’t say it enough. Acknowledge that you are where you are in life today most likely because s/he provided unconditional love and support, particularly when you really needed it.
- Your closest friend: Just say thanks for always being there for you. If you’re the unemotional type, have a few shots, or grow a pair and say “Thank you for knowing the darkest side of me, and still loving me….and especially for not blackmailing me”.
- Call that person you pissed off and apologize: Just say “I’m sorry”. Trust me, that’s all you need to do.
- Any relative: Tell him/her that you’re just thinking of him/her and you wanted to say hello.
- Someone who you know is having a difficult time in life: Just let him/her know that you’re there, and ready, willing and able to help.

For starters, pick any 2 on this list and in the words of Nike, Just Do It!

New Rule: Tell someone what you’re really feeling RIGHT NOW. Pick up the phone.

- SR

Self Control….

There will be times in our lives (sometimes more often that we’d like) when people will be rude, crude, lewd, mean, and downright nasty to us. People will intentionally try to screw us and fuck us in the most unenjoyable ways. There is no really good way to deal with this, but there is possibly one effective way.

Step back. Waaay back. Then look at the situation. Most often people do these things to get a reaction from you. They want to ‘get back’ at you, or ‘punish’ you for their own shortcomings and their own issues, insecurities and faults. Perhaps s/he is taking out unjustified anger on you. No matter what the case, it is critical to remember one thing: you can and must control your emotions. You cannot control what someone does, but you most certainly can control how you react to it.

The minute you let someone affect your mood, you hand over what is most precious to you: control over yourself.

New Rule: Do not let anyone have control over your emotions and what you feel. The minute you give someone that control, you lose.

- SR